Loving You.

Loving you was like electricity in my bones. It was like a drug scorching my veins. Like you were devouring every ounce of my being. Loving you was feeling powerless. You had so much control and I was helpless to fall into you over and over again. Every time I try to escape you, you swallow me up in your waves. A million eyes could be looking at me, and mine would still be fixed on yours.

Loving you was like waging war on my own heart. Breaking it and putting it back together again. Losing pieces to you along the way. Not knowing who I was or where I was going but that was okay. Loving you was losing sleep but not realizing time. It was being encapsulated in the very moment. It was listening to you talk but being speechless.

Loving you is knowing that your ribs are supposed to be a protective cage to the most vital part of yourself. I would break every single one to let you inside as long as it meant you wouldn’t fade away.


Failing In Love.

Falling in love or failing in love? Love is one of the greatest feelings but sometimes it can taste so bitter. Sometimes you meet someone and you just click. Other times you meet someone and it’s pure magic, fireworks, butterflies the whole sha-bang.

See I’m in love with two people. I know some people try to say that’s impossible but believe me it’s not, because here I am with my heart torn in two. They both make one person for me, and I know how selfish that is.

They both feel like home. My personal safe havens from the outside world. I’m in love with both of them. I couldn’t imagine my life without either of them existing in it. When I met them it felt like magic, like I somehow lucked out with getting two incredible human beings, at the same time.

One of them is hot the other cool making an almost perfect balance of two people. And I’m in love with both of them, and I know how wrong that is. But you can’t control who you love.. right? Now I know it sounds crazy but this has been an on going 6 year thing here. One of them has been both physical and an emotional connection, the other pure emotional. Not that I haven’t had the sudden urge to just want to kiss and melt into him but that wouldn’t be an appropriate thing to do with your boyfriends best friend, now would it?

Have you ever just looked into someone’s eyes and you almost just immediately understand them? You hear their history, and in ways it’s so similar to your own? You can look at their battle wounds and appreciate them because you’ve fought the same battles just on different grounds? I think the cliche term is “cut from the same clothe” or something like that. Well that’s exactly what it’s like every single time I look into my boyfriends’s best friend’s eyes.

Now it’s not like I’m not in love with my boyfriend I totally am. He’s a great guy, but our upbringings are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum. But it has always been the three of us. I met them at the same time and we all spend so much time together. He even stays at our place usually once a week and is over probably 4-5 times a week. They love each other like typical bromance way type of love each other, and I love both of them.

I have no solid advice on the situation I don’t know how to react or what to think most days. But what I do know is I love both of them. In a way I need both of them, and I would just like to throw it out there that it is clearly possible to be in love with two people. Love triangles are such an odd thing aren’t they?

We are all brave warriors…

No one ever told me that after becoming a mother I’d have multiple occasions where I felt like i was having a heart attack. After picking all the blocks up off the ground, vacuuming the goldfish off the floor, and obeying the demands for more juice. At this point in time I’m just managing to keep my sanity. As I’m on my way back from getting juice, I walk into my pint sized human standing on the coffee table doing “jumps” onto the couch. I cringe in fear of him slipping and hurting himself. I kindly ask him to sit down and get off the table. I tell him, “stay right there don’t you dare jump.” With an almost evil smirk on his face he jumps, of course. Now I’m faced with being mad and being thankful he landed perfectly on the couch. But before I can even think of putting him in time out. He runs over to me all smiles saying, “mama jumps” and giggles. Being the mother of a little boy has taught me so much, especially how to be tough. I mean you have to be tough, you have to be from dinosaurs to superheroes.

Being a mother isn’t easy actually it can be physically and mentally draining. I can’t be the only mom who has a toddler who has an absolute meltdown in the middle of a public place. It’s like no matter how much you beg and plead for them to calm down their tiny little voice just escalates. Or having to chase them down just to put their socks on, and have them throw a tantrum the whole time. My son’s favorite word I swear is “no” next to that it’s “mama”. Even after my husband comes home from work, after I have been up with my son from 8:30 am until 6 pm. He will still demand mama. We have had breakfast, an episode of sesame street, played cars, ran around the house, had lunch, played animals, and attempted to fold laundry. (I’m not sure about any other mamas but it isĀ impossible to fold laundry with my son, apparently he believes freshly folded linens is actually confetti.)

By the time my son goes to bed I am so tired I’m lucky if I get an hour of crafting done. I know I need a good nights rest in order to repeat the next day over again. Sometimes I practically beg my husband to give me 30 minutes to take a shower without tiny hands banging on the door calling me. I used to feel terrible thinking I was a bad mom for wanting time away from my child. Over time I have realized that I’m not a terrible mom and there is nothing wrong with wanting or needing space from my child. It gets rough some days are better than others. We all have our days, some days you’ll want to rip your hair out, others you’ll be screaming into the couch pillow because you have just watched the same episode of bubble guppies 4x in a row. But it’s the great moments throughout those days that gets me through it. It’s the little voice asking me for an apple, little lips planting a kiss randomly on my face, or the little fingers twirling my hair. Having a child is such a precious gift. I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world. I tend to be a free spirited mom, and try to teach my son some of the same qualities. I give him choices and I let him learn. I’m trying to provide him with knowledge, freedom, and responsibility to blossom into the awesome person he is going to become. I let him have his own personality. I think he gets his spunk from his mama. This is my daily life, come fall into the rabbit hole.